My experience of toxic positivity
I love a positive quote, I post positive quotes, I even have a mug that says ‘Positive Vibes’ but sometimes I cringe at the amount of posts that masquerade as positivity but are toxic positivity.
It wasn’t until I had issues with my mental health and developed chronic illnesses that I realised that some things that people said to me were shaming, dismissive or just rude! I felt unheard, that issues weren’t bad enough and that voicing my discomfort and my feelings brought everyone down.
Encouraging only positivity actually made me feel worse because I delayed my healing process by trying to deny all my feelings. What are described as ‘negative’ feelings are just as valid as the ‘positive’ ones. I often tell my clients that living fully is to experience the highs and lows of life. Enjoy the highs but don’t expect them to be constant and work through the lows but don’t stay there.
What is toxic positivity?
So here are some quotes that make me feel uncomfortable when I hear them
“Good Vibes Only”
“You just have to be positive”
“Be grateful, others are worse off than you”
“Always look on the bright side” (though the Monty Python song does make smile and cheer me up!)
“Never give up!”
Hey I have probably been guilty of using and posting some of these in the past but now I know better.
You might be thinking there isn’t anything wrong with quotes like these so let’s take a closer look.
Positivity is supposed to encourage, inspire, offer optimism and hope. Being positive during tough times is a sign of resilience, it is acknowledging things are difficult but it won’t always be that way.
Toxic positivity is dismissing any other feelings (Good Vibes Only!) and expecting unrealistic level of happiness (You just have to be positive). NOBODY is happy all the time!
Toxic positivity tells people their problems which are their reality and often seem insurmountable, don’t compare to other people’s issues in the grand scheme of bad things that happen. If someone isn’t feeling their best and finding it hard to face the day, being told to ‘Never give up’ is like a slap in the face. Because feeling these perceived ‘negative’ feelings is the furthest from giving up, it is a natural process and is being real and in the moment.
Not really ‘negative’ emotions
Sadness
Anxiety
Anger
Frustration
Confusion
Grief
Social conditioning towards the positive
Toxic positivity is instilled in childhood. We are often told to ‘cheer up’ that ‘things could be worse’ and ‘be brave’. As a child when something goes wrong, upsets you or you hurt yourself parents (including myself) pacify children by trying to reassure them that it’s not that big of an issue. Unfortunately this sends three messages to our developing brains. One, that certain emotions are an over reaction. Two, that we should be happy and content even when we are physically or emotionally hurt. Three, if we aren’t, then we should pretend everything is okay so we don’t make other people uncomfortable.
As we grow our brains change and adapt to our surroundings. So if we hear or see that we have to feel positive all the time, our brain will try to push our thoughts and actions that way. Then when we have a conflicting emotion our brain doesn’t know how to process these differences in a healthy way because it hasn’t ben shown how to respond to ‘negative’ patterns.
If you took a moment in a situation where someone is expressing themselves, who are you really trying to pacify? Them or you? Are you uncomfortable, and don’t know what to say or do? Perhaps their ‘negativity’ hits a nerve or makes you desperate to cheer them up. Your reaction says more about what you are feeling than about the person in front of you.
Shifting to acceptance, validation and support
So how can we be positive but not toxic? It’s all about the message behind the words. For example instead of telling someone ‘You just have to be positive” try saying “I understand it feels tough right now but you can get through this. Is there anything I can do?”
Sometimes words aren’t needed. Just sitting with a person and allowing them to feel their emotions without trying to fix what is wrong, validates their experience. Even if you are uncomfortable this moment shows you care and that you are there for them.
Other times actions are needed to help people process their thoughts and feelings without being told they have to cheer up. You might need to say “Right, get your coat, we are going out!”
How do you know which is best?
Ask. The person who is having a difficult time what is it they need right now? They might know exactly what they need or they might say they don’t know, so either follow their lead or sit with them but don’t spout positive quotes or stories in their faces, let them decide what is helpful in the moment.
Managing your own toxic positivity
How do you start re-wiring all these messages in your own head? First of all, ask yourself do you want to be uplifted or do you genuinely want to express your emotions?
For example if you are feeling overwhelmed, do you say to yourself – ” I am really overwhelmed but I have so much to do if I don’t pick myself up it will never get done”
Followed by ” I CAN do it. I believe in me. Let’s get this done!”
What happens next is the key. Did your positivity give you renewed energy or did it make you feel like you are failing because you ultimately feel like you can’t?
If you felt energised – go for it!
If not – stop.
Too often people don’t feel energised or in a better frame of mind but they plough on or beat themselves up internally. They ignore the underlying emotions of why they feel that way in the first place. Sure, you might get things done but deep down do you feel better about yourself?
Stop and ask why do you need to be positive about something that isn’t making you feel good? Why are you forcing yourself to put on a happy face when actually all you need is a good cry or a punching bag to release the emotions.
Instead of throwing toxic positivity at yourself try saying “I feel overwhelmed right now and that’s okay. What do I need in this moment?”
Followed by ” I know I can do it when I am ready”
Imagine you are talking to a friend, be patient, be kind and be encouraging when it is appropriate.
Listen to yourself, express your feelings and follow through on what you need. Accept all of your emotions and remember being happy all the time is unrealistic.
